Continuing Bonds: Shifting the Grief Paradigm / Article

Continuing Bonds: Shifting the Grief Paradigm;
Heres another post that I compiled to share in the Bereavement Forum which may be of interest to others too. It details a different approach to coping with the grief for a lost loved one than the more widely known reconciliation and closure methods - that of continuing your bond or bridge of love to and with your beloved.

If ideas of acceptance, closure, reinvestment of energy, and embarking on a ‘new life’ have ever rubbed you the wrong way, you are not alone. It was only a matter of time before someone stood up and yelled, I don’t need to put my loved one in the past and reinvest my energy in a new life in order to be healthy and well-adjusted! Klass, Silverman, and Nickman, explicitly questioned the dominant models of grief. The(ir) book suggested that perhaps these linear models, ending in a detachment from the person we’ve lost, were denying a reality of how many people grieve. They suggested a new paradigm, rooted in the observation of healthy grief that did not resolve by detaching from the deceased, but rather in creating a new relationship with the deceased.

Here is the 30 second summary: under this model, when your loved one dies grief isn’t about working through a linear process that ends with ‘acceptance’ or a ‘new life’, where you have moved on or compartmentalized your loved one’s memory. Rather, when a loved one dies you slowly find ways to adjust and redefine your relationship with that person, allowing for a continued bond with that person that will endure, in different ways and to varying degrees, throughout your life. This relationship is not unhealthy, nor does it mean you are not grieving in a normal way. Instead, the continuing bonds theory suggests that this is not only normal and healthy, but that an important part of grief is continuing ties to loved ones in this way. Rather than assuming detachment as a normal grief response, continuing bonds considers natural human attachment even in death.
If you are interested please follow the link below for more details -
SOURCE; WHATS YOUR GRIEF ( https://whatsyourgrief.com/continuing-bonds-shifting-the-g…/ )

16 Tips for Continuing Bonds with People We’ve Lost
With decades of grief theory that focused on closure, acceptance, and moving on, it is no wonder that so many grievers feel self-conscious about maintaining ties with their deceased loved one after a certain period of time. Many now believe that healthy grief involves finding a new and different relationship with the person who died.
If you love the continuing bonds theory you may be looking for ways to continue bonds with your loved one.

We have some ideas here;
1. Talk to them
2. Write letters to the person you lost.
3. Keep photos of the person around.
4. Incorporate your loved one into events and special days.
5. Imagine what advice they would give you when making tough decisions.
6. Talk about them with new people, who never got to know your loved one.
7. Live your life in a way you know they would be proud of.
8. Finish a project they were working on.
9. Take a trip they always wanted to take.
10. Keep up their facebook page.
11. Adopt a hobby that they enjoyed.
12. Create a Dear Photograph.
13. Plan for the anniversary.
14. Keep something that belonged to your loved one.
15. Enjoy comfort foods.
16. Experience your loved one’s presence.

It is common to feel the presence of your loved one – it may just be a feeling, it may be a specific type of wind or bird or countless other things that seem to be a sign of our loved one’s presence. Unlike the studies about keeping something that belonged to your loved one, feeling your loved one’s presence has been shown in studies to ease the sadness that accompanies grief. So when you feel your loved one’s presence, feel it without apology or any worry that you are crazy! This is a normal and helpful way we continue bonds with our loved ones.
More details for all of those points if you follow the link below -
SOURCE; WHATS YOUR GRIEF ( https://whatsyourgrief.com/16-practical-tips-continuing-bo…/ )

I like this outlook as it very clearly portrays how I have been feeling and instinctually behaving, it seems to focus on love more than grief and continuance of that love rather than closure. It may not be for everyone, but for me it is encouraging that my approach does not mean I have lost my mind or that my grief is charting less than healthy waters - its an other way of addressing this situation, of remaining in touch, of cherishing the flame of love.

I hope this outlook may be of help to some.

TitusL xx

artwork co brigitte devia jost

Something So Fine / Guest Poem = Song

Something So Fine;

Oh darling, took a little time,
To clear the path betwen your heart and mine,
I tell tell you its nothing turning water to wine, but love is really something -

You could've left me when i came back roughed (?)
Could've packed your heart and said that you've had enough,
But you stayed with me and laid your love on the line,
Now we got something - so fine.

Ohh oh we got something so fine
I just wanted to remind you
Some people look for love like this all their lives -
And never find it.

Sky could tumble and the earth could quake,
Love might feel a rumble but it would not shake,
We could choose to drop this and it would not break
Truly amazing -
Hold me, in your heart of hearts,
I'll do the same.
Maybe thats all I really need when I say strength and the things that remain.
I could loose my partience, I could loosemy way,
My friends, my home, my health could go some day -
I could think I lost your love and then loose my mind,
But I could never really loose something so fine.

Ohh ohh we got something so fine,
I just wanted to remind you,
Some people look for love like this all their lives -
And never find it.

Ohh oh we got something so fine,
Some people look for love like this all their lives -
And never find it.

Kirtana
from the album Healing Rain.

The Offering / Guest Poem = Song

The Offering -

This river is a mighty one;
I have to trust its flow
But if you asked me where it's taking us,
I wouldn't say I know.
But I will go there willingly;
she's never led me astray.
And I've only be bruised
when I've refused to get out of my way.

So, I wouldn't stop the rain.
No, I wouldn't stop the rain.
What good would it do?
And I wouldn't trade the pain,
or mess with the math that created the path
that eventually led to you , my love.
I give you my love.

And when I say love
I mean a love that will stay love
through every change that could betray love
and the vicissitudes of time.
I mean mature love,
unconditional and pure love.
The kind of love I feel with your love,
I want you to feel with mine.

And if I had it to do over now
I am certain of one thing -
when the carousel came back around
I would still reach for that ring.
I would still reach for your arms, my love,
despite the pain that reach could bring.
I would still say Ôyes' to life and love
and accept the offering.

And I wouldn't stop the sun.
No, I wouldn't stop the sun -
What good would it do?
And I would rather stand than run
and squarely face the warmth and grace
of a blessing when it comes, my love.
I give you my love.

And when I say love
I mean a love that will stay love
through every change that could betray love
and the vicissitudes of time.
I mean mature love,
unconditional and pure love.
The kind of love I feel with your love,
I want you to feel with mine.

By Kirtana from the album The Offering.
( http://www.kirtana.com/content/offering-0 )

Kirtana is a songtress and poet of the highest order, I am listening to a lot of her beautiful songs and singing and finding them to be tremendously moving, inspiring and uplifting xx

The After Loss Credo / Guest Poem

The After Loss Credo;

I need to talk about my loss.
I may often need to tell you what happened –
or to ask you why it happened.
Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself
face the reality of the death of my loved one.

I need to know that you care about me.
I need to feel your touch, your hugs.
I need you just to be “with” me.
(And I need to be with you.)
I need to know you believe in me and in my
ability to get through my grief in my own way.
(And in my own time.)

Please don’t judge me now –
or think that I’m behaving strangely.
Remember I’m grieving.
I may even be in shock.
I may feel afraid. I may feel deep rage.
I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt.
I’m experiencing a pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before.

Don’t worry if you think I’m getting better
and then suddenly I seem to slip backward.
Grief makes me behave this way at times.
And please don’t tell me you “know how I feel,”
or that it’s time for me to get on with my life.
(I am probably already saying this to myself.)
What I need now is time to grieve and to recover.

Most of all, thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for helping, for understanding.
Thank you for praying for me.
And remember, in the days or years ahead,
when you may have a loss – when you need me
as I have needed you – I will understand.
And then I will come and be with you.

Barbara Hills LesStrang.

On The Afterlife & Love / Article

On the Afterlife & Love;
I compiled this post to give comfort and hope to the Bereavement Forum where so many are in despair following the loss of their loved ones. I shared it here because some may find it of interest too;

Quantum physics 'proves' that there IS an afterlife, claims scientist Professor Robert Lanza who says that the theory of biocentrism teaches that death as we know it is an illusion. He believes 'our consciousness' creates the universe, and not the other way round. Once we accept that space and time are 'tools of our minds', death can't exist in 'any real sense' either.

As humans, we believe in death because we've been taught we die, or more specifically our consciousness associates life with bodies and we know that bodies die. Lanza, instead, said that when we die our life becomes a 'perennial flower that returns to bloom in the multiverse.' By looking at the universe from a biocentric's point of view, this also means space and time don't behave in the hard and fast ways our consciousness tell us it does. Once this theory about space and time being mental constructs is accepted, it means death and the idea of immortality exist in a world without spatial or linear boundaries. Under biocentrism a spirit could influence events in nature and metaphors such as 'we see her in the sunshine and in the roses' might not actually be a metaphor at all but literally true...

SOURCE; THE INDEPENDENT
( https://www.independent.co.uk/…/is-there-an-afterlife-the-s… )

For the non physicists among us, I'd take that to mean that after the body expires although informed by the life lived on Earth, the persons spirit exists independently of the body in higher/non physical states of being.

This idea is not too far afield from a real theory called Quantum Consciousness, proffered by a wide range of people, from physicist Roger Penrose to physician Deepak Chopra. Some versions hold that our mind is not strictly the product of our brain and that consciousness exists separately from material substance, so the death of your physical body is not the end of your conscious existence.

Quantum Entanglement theory is another clue in this puzzle indirectly, as it indicates the complexities of known universal properties. Quantum Entanglement can happen when two subatomic particles become linked and can communicate instantaneously with each other even though separated across astrologically long distances. Einstein called this property Spooky Action at a Distance. This shows that whatever our physical world and hard sciences may show us, there are more things in heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy....

It is one of cosmology’s more perplexing problems: that up to 90% of the ordinary matter in the Universe appears to be missing - because they cant find or see it. Whilst there is now some conjecture that the missing aspects are caught up in star dust trailing between galaxies - I think that may be missing the point and that there is infinitely more going on than we can manage to conceive of. As we who live in matter bound bodies on Earth have noticed, 'nature' abhors a vacuum - there is no empty space which is not teeming with microbes or electric charges, life or 'existence' in some form or some beyond form. Perhaps you need to take a leap of faith to accept this point - go ahead, the world is not flat after all.

Two lovely books by a mathematician called Flatland and Sphereland are really helpful in contextualising some idea of dimensions beyond our own realms. Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions by the English schoolmaster/mathemetician Edwin Abbott Abbott.
The first half of the story goes through the practicalities of existing within a two-dimensional universe.
On New Year's Eve the 'Square' ( a 'person' who exists as a square form) dreams about a visit to a one-dimensional world (Lineland) inhabited by "lustrous points". These points are unable to see the Square as anything other than a set of points on a line. Thus, the Square attempts to convince the realm's monarch of a second dimension; but is unable to do so. In the end, the monarch of Lineland tries to kill A Square rather than tolerate his nonsense any further.
Following this vision, he is himself visited by a three-dimensional sphere.
These two books are fabulous at showing how consciousness or awareness within a constrained set of dimensions may not be able to perceive beyond their confines but this does not mean that the other dimensions are non existent.

Our emotions and inner feelings - not physical sensations such as being ticklish or cold, but spiritual or higher feelings/states of being such as inner happiness or love - are not physically based or triggered. They are non physical, not something you can physically touch, but you can definitely experience and see their manifestation in yourself and others. They are in fact be the very aspects that make a life worth living.

All these and many more examples inform my perception that there is more to us than mere physical bodies with ensuing minds derived from them.

Just what the spirit-energy of us comprises though, how it is 'formed' and exists outside of our material realm, while the religious teachers, physicists and mathematicians may have some idea, I do not. It is beyond my cognition, if not to some extent my intuitive perception or apprehension. That dosent matter in the least to me, I also do not understand that actual physics of how the sun continues to combust at unimaginable rates for what will be ungraspable lengths of time, nor how a plant cell actually photosynthesises sunlight into energy and mud into beautiful flowers. Scientific descriptions are not the same thing as experience and it is an acceptance of all this ineffable wonder that we live in, with and by that informs my perception.

I do feel love in my heart and this 'feeling' or more correctly this awareness, extends beyond my body and mind to encompass all of my experience of existing, it allows me to exist for now in a body but in due course without one, in a loving universe. These explanations work to pacify my rationalising materialist/physical bound mind and even if I was wrong they provide me with a more uplifted experience of love transcending life than I would have otherwise.

Uncertainty is also both a great doorway and an inner location from which to experience a sense of connection with spirit beyond the physical. While certitude will close many doors of perception, the cloud of unknowingness will leave them open. In the chosen absence of a dogmatic faith to guide me through the gateway into a state of uncertain spiritual awareness, I find absolute, unconditional and unreserved love is the bridge and the key.

These views help me and they may help you too.
Best wishes to all,

TitusL.

And If I Go While You're Still Here / Guest Poem

And if I go, while you’re still here…..

Know that I live on,

Vibrating to a different measure

Behind a thin veil you cannot

See through.

You will not see me,

So you must have faith.

I wait for the time when

We can soar together again,

Both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to its fullest

And when you need me,

Just whisper my name in your heart,

…….I will be there.


Emily Dickinson.

On Anticipatory Grief / Post

I have copied this reply from the Bereavement Forum - it is my answer in response to a shared question about did we experience Anticipatory Grief;

Being the 24/7 carer, in the later months I was often up and down multiple times throughout most nights therefore deeply exhausted in a cummulative way. The days were spent chasing the Drs and chemists for medecines/ deliveries and looking after my sweet beloved Wendy. It was totally overwhelming. I knew I was burning up my own health reserves but it didnt matter at all, I would give the same again and more if I could do anything to ease the passing of my beloved.

Throughout all of Wendy's 2 years plus of radiotherapy, 2 courses of chemotherapy, liver resection and stoma etc I was also coping as I still am with my own M.E. (myalgic encephalomyelitis), my Mothers AAA Aneurysm (burst artery), my brothers ongoing needs following his having had a stroke some years ago (mainly just arranging things by phone these days as he is much improved but still under care) - altogether far to much for me. I am surprised that I haven't had a full mental breakdown yet - I realise I was only managing to hold everthing together by the power of love -

Although we had agreed to not descend the stairwell to endless grief, I did in the later stages start to undergo anticipatory grief which in my case was characterised by super high levels of stress, distress and experiencing immense and unbelievably powerful physical pains as a consequence of emotional pain. My heart felt to be torn continually from my chest, my arms and hands were on fire, my back and neck were in perpetual agony, my head numb, my legs aching and my whole physical system to say nothing of my emotional system was in chaos.

I think however that my anticipatory grief may have been strangely helpful to me, because it gave me a forewarning of the existential shock to my life and spirit to follow that accompany my now ongoing grief. Conversely, perhaps it would have been better if I had not had the run-in of anticipatory grief, then I might have had a heart attack as soon as Wendy died - perhaps this would have been a better option.

Coping at home as we did by Wendy's choice and my willing agreement did give me the most immense physical and emotional cost from which I am still a long way back from anything like an even keel physically or emotionally. Just like you though, neither of us would have wanted the demise and departure differently.

We knew we were living on the knife edge with a rapidly running down clock and in some ways that process compelled me to live with a very sharp focus on the present moment - this in itself has served to help me exist and not get entrenched quite so overwhelmingly in the worst of ensuing emotional collapse and psychologial upheavals that I experience now.

Personally, whilst heartbroken and sobbing daily, because I find that I have no other choice, I have begun to establish a deeper grounding and awareness in the spiritual outlook that we shared together - which now is based on my own rather than our joint perceptions. By this means I am aware of my beloved's love still in my heart and thereby in my life. In regard of other people and the wider world though, I am a wreck, unstable, unable to mix with people etc.

I completely understand how you are feeling - utterly exhausted, burnt out, silenced. 
I do not expect to recover at any point, nobody can take the place of my love in my life or my heart - and as she is still with me minus body, there is no need. I am changed. It is a hard relationship to remain atuned to though.

Best wishes and lots of love xx
TitusL

How Could I Speak To Anyone / Poem

How could I speak to anyone now..

Before now I could laugh out loud, share a thoughtful aside or just ask for directions.
Anything.

Now I am silent, my heart isn't here anymore  - nothing can change that,
so there's nothing to say.

There's tears and there's silence.

The silence holds me in its quietitude - abjectly.

I want to hear you again.

I am hushed lest I block your soundwaves, your spirit,
your golden spirit...

I can't speak to anyone

© TitusL

The Shock / Poem

The first shock -it was mighty and insurpassable, memorable, inescapable - resounding. It actually really happened - she is gone!

Then follows after shock- a reprieve or echo of everything that came before, lumbering and collapsing ontop of me, knocking me sideways, forever.

Then as moments merge into minutes, stumble into hours and slip into days there is ongoing shock, which leaves me perpetually dazed, breathless and aghast.

Oh - Indiferent shock, as family and friends dont quite seem to understand tho they really do care, some seem to turn a deaf ear/blind eye/closed heart -

Persistant leading to cummulative shock, as the situation does not get any better, it worsens.....

Indivisible shock, by now everything starts to become a trigger to memories leading to feelings which are now frozen like frost giants in the grief.

Profound shock - as we try to summarise the experience for outsiders.

And then theres existential shock - with this life now devoid of meaning,
how can I possibly continue - yet I must.

© TitusL