I have copied this reply from the Bereavement Forum - it is my answer in response to a shared question about did we experience Anticipatory Grief;
Being the 24/7 carer, in the later months I was often up and down multiple
times throughout most nights therefore deeply exhausted in a cummulative way. The days were spent chasing the Drs and chemists for medecines/
deliveries and looking after my sweet beloved Wendy. It was totally overwhelming. I knew I was burning up my
own health reserves but it didnt matter at all, I would give the same again and
more if I could do anything to ease the passing of my beloved.
Throughout
all of Wendy's 2 years plus of radiotherapy, 2 courses of chemotherapy,
liver resection and stoma etc I was also coping as I still am with my own M.E.
(myalgic encephalomyelitis), my Mothers AAA Aneurysm (burst artery), my
brothers ongoing needs following his having had a stroke some years ago
(mainly just arranging things by phone these days as he is much improved
but still under care) - altogether far to much for me. I am surprised
that I haven't had a full mental breakdown yet - I realise I was only
managing to hold everthing together by the power of love -
Although
we had agreed to not descend the stairwell to endless grief, I did in
the later stages start to undergo anticipatory grief which in my case was
characterised by super high levels of stress, distress and experiencing
immense and unbelievably powerful physical pains as a consequence of emotional pain. My heart felt to be torn continually from my chest, my arms and hands were on fire, my back and neck were in perpetual agony, my head numb, my legs aching and my whole physical system to say nothing of my emotional system was in chaos.
I think however that my anticipatory grief may have been strangely helpful to
me, because it gave me a forewarning of the existential shock to my
life and spirit to follow that accompany my now ongoing grief.
Conversely, perhaps it would have been better if I had not had the
run-in of anticipatory grief, then I might have had a heart attack
as soon as Wendy died - perhaps this would have been a better option.
Coping
at home as we did by Wendy's choice and my willing agreement did give me the most immense
physical and emotional cost from which I am still a long way back from
anything like an even keel physically or emotionally. Just like
you though, neither of us would have wanted the demise and departure
differently.
We knew we were living on the knife edge with a
rapidly running down clock and in some ways that process compelled me to
live with a very sharp focus on the present moment - this in itself has
served to help me exist and not get entrenched quite so overwhelmingly
in the worst of ensuing emotional collapse and psychologial upheavals that I
experience now.
Personally, whilst heartbroken and sobbing daily,
because I find that I have no other choice, I have begun to establish a
deeper grounding and awareness in the spiritual outlook that we shared
together - which now is based on my own rather than our joint perceptions.
By this means I am aware of my beloved's love still in my heart and
thereby in my life. In regard of other people and the wider world
though, I am a wreck, unstable, unable to mix with people etc.
I completely understand how you are feeling - utterly exhausted, burnt out, silenced.
I
do not expect to recover at any point, nobody can take the place of my
love in my life or my heart - and as she is still with me minus body,
there is no need. I am changed. It is a hard relationship to remain
atuned to though.
Best wishes and lots of love xx
TitusL
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